How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Like a Bad Person
If you’ve ever thought, “If I say no, they’ll never want me again,” or “If I don’t do everything, why would they love me,” you’re not alone. People with poor or nonexistent boundaries almost always carry the fear that if they set a boundary, they’ll lose something important — a job, an opportunity, or even a relationship.
But here’s the truth: boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about keeping yourself whole. They are the invisible lines that allow you to give and receive love, support, and care without running yourself into the ground. And setting them doesn’t make you a bad person — it makes you a healthy one. It also allows you to keep going. In another blog post, I’ll talk about compassion fatigue and resentment.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard
The biggest hurdle is fear. Many people believe saying no means rejection or abandonment will follow. Declining an invitation might mean you’ll never be invited again. Turning down a job could mean no other offers will come. Not overextending yourself might mean you’re not worthy of love.
It’s no wonder so many people push themselves past exhaustion — it feels safer than risking loss.
Shifting the Mindset: The Best Friend Test
Mindset shifts are often easier than taking action, and one of my favorite tools to start with is what I call the Best Friend Test.
Ask yourself:
Would I say this to my best friend?
What would I want for my best friend in this situation?
Chances are, you’d want your best friend to rest, to feel valued, and to be treated with respect. If you can want that for them, why not for yourself? This test helps uncover a truth many people overlook: you are just as worthy of kindness, love, and respect as the people you care about.
The First “Trust Fall”
Of course, shifting your thinking is one thing — putting it into practice is another. Setting that very first boundary feels like a trust fall. It’s terrifying, and it takes courage.
Here’s how to make it easier:
Start small. Choose an area that feels the least scary — a situation with lower emotional stakes.
Remember past wins. Think of times you’ve set boundaries before (even small ones) that turned out okay or even better than expected.
Practice it out. Role-play or talk through how the conversation will likely go. Preparation helps calm the fear of the unknown.
These steps don’t remove the fear entirely, but they give you enough footing to take the leap.
The Boundary High
What happens next is almost always surprising. Clients come back to me thrilled, saying, “I did it — and my worst fear didn’t come true!”
Instead of rejection, they find relief. Instead of losing everything, they gain a sense of empowerment. That first success creates what I call a boundary high — the feeling of pride and excitement that builds confidence for the next step. Each boundary set reinforces the truth: protecting your time, energy, and well-being isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.
Redefining Selfishness
One of the biggest sticking points is guilt. Many people worry, “Won’t I look selfish or mean?”
Here’s the reframe: there’s a difference between selfishness that ignores the needs of others, and self-care that honors your own needs. The people who worry about being selfish are never the ones steamrolling others — they’re usually the most people-pleasing, generous souls. It’s rarely the person who always puts themselves first who walks into therapy asking if they’re being a jerk for taking a break.
The truth is, spending your resources — time, money, energy — on yourself isn’t cruel or wrong. It’s a way of maintaining your health and capacity so you can continue showing up in meaningful ways.
The Mantra to Remember
If you take nothing else from this, let it be this:
You are just as worthy of something nice as anyone else — so why not you?
Boundaries don’t make you a bad person. They make you a person who values themselves. And that self-worth is the foundation for healthier relationships, stronger confidence, and a life where you don’t just survive, but thrive.
