Why Anxiety Shows Up When You Start Setting Boundaries
If you’ve ever tried to set a boundary and suddenly felt your chest tighten, your thoughts race, or your stomach drop—you’re not alone. In fact, it’s one of the most common reactions I see when working with clients. Boundary-setting and anxiety tend to show up together like old frenemies, and for good reason. Boundaries can feel terrifying at first.
So let’s talk about why anxiety crashes the party when you start protecting your time, energy, and needs—and why it’s actually a sign that you’re doing something deeply important.
Where Anxiety Shows Up First
When people start exploring boundaries, the first hurdle is usually confusion:
Where do I even start?
How do I know what’s a “good” boundary?
What if I pick the wrong one?
That uncertainty is uncomfortable, but the real spike of anxiety usually comes when we imagine the consequences. Clients often tell me they worry about how others will react. Will people be angry? Will they pull away? What if I lose relationships I care about?
At the heart of it, the biggest fear is often being disliked, cast out, or left alone. And let’s be honest—that’s one of the most human fears we have.
The Fear Beneath the Fear
Here’s the thing: even though people logically know boundaries are healthy, the emotional experience tells a different story. Fear feels intense because many folks carry an underlying belief: “I’m only valuable if I’m useful to others.”
If someone doesn’t love themselves enough to trust they’re worthy of care, it makes sense they’d question whether anyone else could love them once they stop over-giving. Add in a history of moments where boundary-setting didn’t go well, and suddenly the brain has “evidence” that all boundaries equal rejection.
And then there’s the unknown. The current situation may be unhealthy, but at least it’s familiar. Anxiety convinces us that the devil we know is safer than the freedom we can’t yet picture.
The Truth About Boundaries
Here’s the reframe I love sharing: boundaries aren’t walls that shut people out—they’re doors that allow healthy connection in.
At first, people expect boundaries to feel limiting. They brace for loss. But what surprises them most is the opposite: setting boundaries feels freeing.
Think about it. If you’re constantly saying yes when you mean no, resentment builds. You feel drained, stretched thin, and bitter. But when you set a boundary—whether it’s saying “no,” asking for space, or clarifying what you need—you give yourself permission to breathe. You stop leaking energy. You create space to actually want to show up for the people and commitments you care about.
Boundaries and Compassion
Brené Brown’s research makes this point beautifully. When her team set out to study what makes people compassionate, they expected to find patterns like religion, faith, or community ties. But the surprising discovery was this: the most compassionate people were the ones who set and maintained strong, healthy boundaries.
Why? Because those people avoided burning themselves out. They weren’t running on empty, secretly resentful, or stuck in cycles of overextending. By protecting their energy, they could sustain genuine compassion for longer—and with less bitterness.
So, if your anxiety is telling you that setting boundaries will make you “selfish” or unkind, remember: the opposite is true. Boundaries make compassion sustainable.
If You’re Anxious but Curious
If you’re in that place where the thought of setting boundaries makes you both nervous and intrigued, here’s what I want you to hold onto:
Anxiety doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re breaking an old pattern. That discomfort is part of the growth process.
Your worst-case scenarios are usually exaggerated. Most people are shocked when others handle their boundaries better than expected.
Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about building healthier, more balanced relationships—starting with yourself.
Self-worth comes first. The more you believe you’re worthy of love without over-giving, the less power anxiety has over you.
The Takeaway
Boundaries are scary because they challenge old stories about who we have to be in order to be loved. Anxiety shows up to keep us in the familiar—even when the familiar is hurting us. But the truth is, boundaries aren’t the end of connection; they’re the beginning of freedom and deeper compassion.
So the next time your chest tightens and the “what ifs” start swirling as you think about setting a boundary, remember: it’s normal to feel that fear. Take the step anyway. You might just find yourself lighter, freer, and more authentically connected than before.
And like I always say: it’s gonna be fiiine.
